Every Way of Shink
by Irene T447
Summary: Love is love. Drama is drama. And crack is crack. In this gender bending fanfiction of fabulousness, we explore many walks of life from social awkward movie stars to queer folk and evil twin sisters. In a restaurant, with two delinquents as the hostesses, Sheik and Link sit down for a date. Fluff and crack found within. Also, snarkastic chapter titles.
1. As prescribed by canon

**Part 1: As prescribed by canon, in which Sheik is just Zelda in a disguise and Link is totally her hero in a heteronormative situation that everyone is probably sick of already. **

The restaurant is colorful like a throw rug and lit by wide windows facing casual residential traffic. There is an outdoor space, largely occupied by customers during the afternoon rush, and the indoors is marked by sparse couples eating pleasantly at two-top tables and booths. Indoors, behind a large hostess table housing several hidden shelves and a cash register are a Gerudo and a Twili of about college age, both of whom are secretly playing hangman with the marker and receipt paper during their shift. A couple walks up to them, and the Gerudo seats them.

"What's with the face?" Nabooru pokes Midna's nose on her way back to the table.

"You know the movie star Zelda Harkinian?"

"Sure," the Gerudo says, marking the two-top with a marker and signalling to a lounging server that he has a table.

"Did you get a good look at the Sheikah who you just sat?" Midna is smirking like she knows a big secret. Nabooru shrugs. "You idiot!" Midna's eyes roll. "Don't you get it? That was totally her."

Nabooru leans forwards, peering at the two top. The couple, an eclectically dressed Sheikah woman and an average looking Hylian man, are talking quietly over the menu. Her red eyebrows skyrocket when she sees the Sheikah glance around nervously, as if expecting paparazzi to come spilling from the woodwork at any second. "No way!"

"Way. I'm guessing that's Link, her new boy toy." Midna grins evilly, "Block me, I've got an idea."

Nabooru steps in front of Midna while the Twili fiddles with her phone. "What are you scheming?"

"Oh, nothing…heh heh heh."

"Heh heh heh? That doesn't sound good."

"You know how the Sheikah were once a dying race?" Midna says, casually slipping her phone back into a drawer beneath the table. Nabooru rolls her eyes.

"What have you done?"

"Well, if she didn't want attention, she should have used a different cover!"

"Just to be clear: When the police inevitably come, I don't know you."

* * *

"Glance behind you again, you might pull something." Link leans back in his chair, grinning. His girlfriend, although seated, remains wound up tighter than a whirligig. "Just breathe, Zel. No one's going to jump out at you this time."

"You can't ever be sure," Zelda reprimands with a cutting glare, "And call me Sheik! I don't think I can take another ambush." She sighs and takes a sip of ice water. "No, you're right. I must be calm. We are here to enjoy ourselves."

They chat idly for awhile about the new shoot. The server comes by and takes their order. Link has a grilled fish sandwhich. She gets a Greek salad. They split fries and both take a round of drinks.

He takes her hands, which are a little clammy. "If going out makes you this nervous we could have eaten in. Your place has a movie theater and a stockpile of gourmet delicacies to choose from. And of all places to eat?"

"Don't tell me you're complaining," she says, jarringly.

He puts his hand up, "No, not at all."

"I suppose it's part of the cover. Like you said, of all the places I could have gone to eat, some shabby second rate tourist hub like this would be the last anyone would expect me to come to." She realizes her fingers are drumming the table and stops them.

"It's sort of ironic how it is. The only time you can be free is when you're acting," Link notes, and adds, "I hope you don't have to feel the need to act when we're together though. Even if you're wearing all that, color changing contacts and all, I want you to know that I care for you. The real you."

She smiles by way of thanks, and he nods, face reflecting an understanding for which she is utmost grateful. How he can understand her despite the chaos brewing every moment of her life, and be so simple about it, was a mystery to her, but one she wouldn't mind stepping further into for, at the very least, the security of having him by her side. "I miss this. I'm more introverted than people think. I don't like being the center of attention."

"I think you got into the wrong business."

"I think so too, but for now it makes my father happy, and that's what matters right now."

She sets her features, and she knows he knows it's a mask. He doesn't say anything though, and just holds her hand. Like this is a normal thing. Like they're a normal thing. She lets out a breathy laugh.

"I know," she says, "I should tell him I want to quit."

"You could probably wait until after this movie. I need to look for a new job anyways."

She glances up into his sparkling eyes. She's mildly startled, but she has to look carefully to make sure that what he's saying isn't just her imagination. "Are you asking me to elope with you?"

They laugh, because this is a funny thing, isn't it? He shrugs. She takes a sip of water. When had it become so hot in here? And why are her cheeks flushed, and why does there seem to be tears in her eyes?

"Fairy wings," she mutters, wiping her eyes, "The contacts are coming out."

Link watches her blink with her head tilted back, admiring the grace of her neck. "With them in you look like Jade."

She shakes her head at the mentioning of her nemesis. "Say that name again, I dare you." She kicks his shin under the table. Lightly, of course, but her point is clear.

He grins brilliantly, "I knew that'd get an arise out of you."

She realizes she's gone actress mode on him again and laughs. "This is fun."

Their waiter comes back with their food. He does a double take when he sets down the salad in front of Zelda, and she feels the blood roar in her ears as she prays to every god under the sun and then some that she is unrecognizable.

"Oh gods! Oh, my, holy trinity of goddesses!"

Zelda's countenance hardens, and Link looks like he's ready to take to his feet and start beating back fans with his fists. Her hands start trembling again and she hides them beneath the table, waiting for the inevitable to come.

"You look, like, just like this one actress. Now what's her name again?" The waiter shifts his weight, thinking. "Nah, here!" He whips out his phone and begins scrolling through it frantically.

Zelda has always hated being in front of people and being the center of attention. Unfortunately, she was always very good at it despite wanting to curl up into a ball and disappear into nothingness. She straightens her spine, and puts on a blank face to mask her horror.

"Oh! Here she is! She goes by the name Empress Jade these days." A picture of her archenemy is shoved in front of her, and Zelda lets out a yelp.

Link recovers quickly, "That's right! I've always told her that. See, hon, you're beautiful." He shoos the waiter away, "Thank you!"

An explosion of laughter fills the air, and several other tables look over their shoulders to see the crazy looking couple howling with laughter. Link is pounding the table and Zelda is holding onto her sides, nearly sobbing into her salad.

After partaking in the fries, salad, and grouper, and thoroughly enjoying the buzz of alcohol, the couple is relaxed. Link relishes seeing the worry lines ease from Zelda's forehead, and Zelda's face flushes comfortably at catching him staring at her.

"Not so bad, was it?" she admits as he beckons the waiter for the check. "Dare I say it, I had fun."

"So did I. Next time you might want to don a different disguise."

"I'll consider it," she smiles a smile that lights up her features, "Next time."

"Would you consider -"

"ZELDA HARKINIAN DRESSED SPOTTILY AS A SHEIKAH WITH HER NEW BOYTOY LINK EATING AT A SECOND RATE TOURIST HUB!"

Like water, fans, news anchors and curious bystanders alike flood into the restroom. The room flashes like a nightclub, and someone goes into an epileptic seizure in the corner. Not that anyone is paying attention.

"-ZELDA, ARE YOU AWARE THAT THE COSTUME YOU ARE WEARING IS NEARLY TWO-HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND REFLECTS A TIMEPERIOD OF SUFFERING FOR THE SHEIKAH CLAN?"

"-LINK, WHAT IS LIKE BEING INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN NEARLY TEN YEARS OLDER THAN -"

"-DO YOU THINK HE'S 'THE ONE?!'"

"DO YOU EXPECT ANY NEGATIVE WHIPLASH GIVEN THE POLITICALLY INAPPROPRIATE COSTUME YOU'RE WEAR-"

"-HOW FAR INTO IT ARE THE TWO OF YOU-"

"ARE YOU ENJOYING-"

Link pushes back sweaty bodies, booms, and microphones, thrusting his weight against the crowd in an attempt to make it around the table. He stumbles over a wayward leg and falls into the bust of a news anchor, but his resolve never wavers for a moment. He finds his love's eyes through the midst of flashing photography, and she looks like a rabbit staring down the tracks at an oncoming train.

Feeling the Hylian blood of heroes pulsating through his veins, he feels a strength fill his muscles and spread like fire. It starts with a pull, an almost painful wrenching feeling, starting in his chest as his desperation mounts. He lets the drive and the tangible high pool deep into his stomach. Breathing deeply, he finds a strength he never knew he possessed and pushes onwards like a stalwart warrior. What are these people? They are nothing! He surges forwards, brutally kicking someone, and wraps his arms around Zelda.

Lifting her above the crowd in his arms, he breaks free of the rings upon rings of throngs mixed with flashing lights and odd electronics. The feeling of her face buried into his neck hardens his resolve, and he resets his grip beneath her. In a display that could be described as nothing short of heroic and oddly fitting, he dashes out of the restaurant and into the liberating air.

* * *

Lights of the blue and red variety flash outside of the restaurant. A man is loaded onto a stretcher and placed into an open ambulance - something about a seizure. No one was paying close enough attention to be sure.

"What did you do?" Nabooru demands, sitting on a stool in the kitchens beside Midna.

"Social media is a powerful instrument," Midna declares, waving her phone. "What?" she asks in response to the Gerudo's rather severe expression.

"You're shameless!"

Midna huffs, "Where did the fun and reckless Nabooru go?"

"She left, after getting her ass thrown in jail. How the two delinquents got assigned hostess together is beyond me. I'd be surprised if we didn't lose our jobs if someone finds out."

"Live a little. No one is going to find out unless you rat on me."

"I really should."

"But you won't."

"But I won't."


	2. Classic gender bender

**Part II: The classic gender bender/ gender swap, which is also cliched enough that the author has to make things interesting**

Midna squints vivid sunset eyes at the seated couple. "No…" she murmurs in a mix of disbelief and suspicion.

"One of your exes I take it?" Nabooru grins, scootching back behind the hostess table and nudging the Twili's shoulder. "Or is this some sexual escapade?"

"Hardy har har...no, she looks like this crazy girl I met at a party once."

"Do you know everyone?" Nabooru deadpans.

"Let's put it this way - it's your job to rob everyone, and mine to know everyone."

"Touche. Okay then. What's she like?"

"If that's Dark, which, I'm assuming it is," the Twili leans forward to get another look at the long haired blonde sitting ramrod straight in her chair across from a sloppy looking Sheikah boy, "then we'd better take cover…"

Nabooru's amber eyes widen, "This coming from you. I have reason to be worried."

"Very much so!"

* * *

Having a (completely evil) identical twin sister, Link was prone to being mistaken for Dark on a near daily basis. Particularly so when she was out and about by her lonesome, usually walking back from a remarkable break from reality at the library. Someone would stop her, say something jarring like a death threat, and she would be forced to gather her wits and slip out of the situation. But that was normal for her and she'd give up trying to explain to all these random, more often than not frightening, people that the girl who scammed them, yes, has her face, but no, is not the same person as the one standing in front of them.

Dark is a manipulative bitch, and Link more often than not is put into the excruciatingly awkward situation of righting her sister's grocery list of wrongs. This time around things are vastly different, and instead of having to fork over money, one-thousand-and-one apologies, and her grandmother's dentures, Link finds herself being (un)romantically serenaded by...is this one of Malladus' suppliers? He seems familiar, but she cannot place him, and that is worrisome

"I'm so glad I finally hunted you down," he drawls, and Link internally cringes at his word usage - since when has she been prey to be "hunted down" anyways? She supposes that "prey" would be an accurate description of her ever since Dark started waging a one-woman war against all organized crime in Hyrule via unconventional and totally illegal means.

"You're about as elusive as a pink fairy, and that's saying something." He continues giving her what she assumes is his attempt at remaking Flynn Rider's Smoulder from Tangled. It accomplishes bolstering her resolve to escape this painful situation.

"I mean, I should have known. You got Majora's sorry ass thrown in the slammer. Good riddance too. And for public appearance you came across as some demure damsel in distress. Oh!" He claps his hands, startling her. "I loved it! And your way of dealing with Ganondorf's thugs was spectacular. His legion of amazonian women were clearly no match for you! You walk in, beat the shit out of half of them. Then two days later when they're all after you, you set up a foil to get them to press charges against him for pimping foreign women. You're practically brilliant!"

Operations such as these are delicate. He has yet to reveal himself for who he really is, which is all the more dangerous for her. To get him to keep talking, she responds, coolly, "As exceptionally flirtatious as this conversation is, I'm bored of your recounts of my lesser triumphs."

"Y-your lesser -"

"But of course, I wouldn't be able to disclose any of that on such unfriendly terms. You'll have to do much better than that." She rises from the booth, "Good day…" now what was the boy's name again? Skunk? Shank?  
"Sheik."

"Yes. That's right. Sheik."

"Wait!" He halts her with the earnestness in his voice. "Alright! You got me! I'm no one! I'm just a kid who wanted a hero to look up to, but then I fell in love with you! I watched you fight crime as a vigilante and realized that you'd never even notice me unless I was your enemy. So then I started selling, but I've been doing a shitty ass job of it. But at least you noticed me! I'm the kid in the far corner of the library in the bean bag chair reading manga while you're sitting cross legged with a coffee and a medical journal on your lap at one of the tables. Every time you so much as scratch your nose, or diffuse some gangster situation all calm like, I'm sitting there thinking: wow! I wish I could talk to her and tell her how I feel!"

It takes a moment for Link's mind to move past the cloud of surreality, but once it does she scowls immediately.

"What?!" she snaps, "Why on earth would you start selling drugs? Any time I would have loved for someone normal to have walked up to me and said hello. I have literally prayed for a normal, civil interaction for months. Am I so unapproachable these days? When did that happen?" She groans into her hands, "I used to have friends! Now what has my life be reduced to? Playing mind games with the organized crime leaders of the world and fending off the feeble minded admirer? Why hadn't I sat on Dark's umbilical cord in utero? Then at least it wouldn't be considered murder and my life would be normal!"

He's looking at her with wide, expressive red eyes. Like he's between being taken aback and about to launch into a round of applause and demand a dramatic encore. She ignores him as she would a horse fly.

Everything is Dark's fault, yet it is Link who must pay and deal with the ramifications. If some idiot turns to crime just to garner her attention, is it her duty to turn him in, or should she be focussing her attention elsewhere on more important matters. Like, say, the drug lord for whom this Sheik boy apparently works who just placed a several thousand rupee bounty over her head?

She sees him move, and while she should have moved if she were of sound mind she doesn't, and feels something warm and wet and hears a sloppy snap sound.

"Oh...my…" she bring a hand up to tingling lips and stares wide eyed at Sheik who has moved back. He tugs at the shaggy hairs at the back of his head with a sheepish grin she would have found mildly attractive in the strictly scientific sense if she were not so busy being offended.

"How...how dare you!" she screeches, shoving his chest as hard as she can. He tumbles back into the booth and lets out a pained groan. She doesn't let it show that this is the first time she's ever physically threatened someone and feels hella-confused about what she should be doing to look menacing enough so she doesn't have to continue being physical.

"I don't know you! You don't know me! You don't even know my name! What makes you think some drug-selling stalker like you has any right to touch me? Let alone kiss me!"

"I-I'm sorry!" He moans, nursing a wounded hip. "Please don't hurt me!"

"I'm sorry? That's all you can come up with, you uninteligent trashbag!?" She continues, feeling exhilarated. If this feeling of power, of having someone beneath you whimpering was always this deliciously invigorating she understands how her sister had become addicted to it. "Are you physically capable of seeing past your rather messed up sexual needs, seeing as you've been pining after me for gods know how long?! Simply being out in broad daylight is a hazard for me! Gods! You...you scumbag! Is it your intention to have me killed?"

She sees his mouth move, but his words are drowned out by the sudden roaring in her ears as the metal of a gun barrel is pressed to the back of her head. Like that, the high is gone, replaced by a coldness to rival that which seeps into her skull at a discernable point.

"I want you to turn around real slowly so I can see the look on your face when I blow your brains out," a cold, dark voice says, and she can hear the sharpness of his feral grin.

"Malladus!" she gasps, hands trembling beyond her control, "How unusual of you to come take out a target yourself! In broad daylight!

"Shut up and start turning! Naw, I learn from my mistakes. No one's had the guts to come face you themselves, which is why you're still alive. I got smart, had my men clear the place out for you two. The Demon knows best."

In an adrenaline saturated mental flurry, Link offhandedly wonders why those people seeking her sister's demise decide to refer to themselves in the third person. The narcissism and childishness makes her want to claw something, but that twisting nausea in her gut keeps her still, save for the slow and steady turning on her heels.

She can see his face now. That gaunt, pounded in face with gold nose ring and piercings speared through. He grins, fingering the revolver, and Link only feels despair at knowing that her sister would live after getting her into this mess and that this frightful scene would be her last.

***THWACK***

She blinks at the now vacant space in front of her.

***THUMP***

Was that a...body?

For the briefest of moments she wonders if she has died and her spirit is hovering over her fallen body. But then she remembers that spirits are scientifically unprovable, and if she were to have died there would have been a gunshot and there was none.

"ow-www!"

She looks up from her mental fugue to see the Sheikah boy vigorously shaking out his hand, "That hurt!"

Link has to glance between the Knocked Out On The Floor And Very Unconscious Revolver Holding Drug Lord and the Drug Dealer Wanna Be Noticed Socially Awkward Kid several times before her adrenaline saturated brain makes the connection.

"Do you always act irrationally?" She manages, voice tight.

"Yeah." A sheepish shrug.

"Did you know that your boss put a hit on me?"

"Um...maybe he told me. I wasn't really listening."

"Hm. Very well. Would you mind taking care of that?" She eyes the body on the floor.

"Yeah! Of course!"

When he sits back down, Link snuggles into his shoulder, eliciting the deepest blush he's ever blushed. "Gee," he says, starstruck, "Your hair smells nice."

She giggles into his chest, "I'm flattered. Though I must warn you - I have an identical twin sister. She makes me look angelic by comparison. She's recently taken up knitting, and should you happen to mistake her for me...you'll likely be punctured."

"No worries," he says, confidently wrapping an arm around her, "You're phenomenal! How could I ever mistake her for you?"

* * *

Nabooru runs to the kitchens to retrieve rolled silverware for the outside where she was asked to manage. She notices Midna squatting like a toad beneath the rolling station.

"Are you hiding?"

"Shh! Dark pissed off Malladus the other day! There's gonna be a shootout!"

The Gerudo gives Midna a skeptical look. "Get off your lazy ass. Who'd bring a gun to a restaurant? In broad daylight?"

"Malladus is who!"

"Hey!" Nabooru yells, pointing to the empty station, "Who's in charge of rolling silverware?"

"Check storage," a cook grumbles in passing.

The Gerudo opens a storage closet and a lanky man with several facial piercings comes tumbling out with a revolver in hand. Nabooru screams, then kicks him in the stomach. He lets out a groan.

"Sweet...mother of...mercy!" he moans weaky as Midna runs up beside her friend.

"It's Malladus!" She shrieks, grabbing a handful of naked forks as if to stab him with them.

"Who...who is Maaaallladus?" The man asks, speech slurred, "Wheeere am I? Whoooooo're youuuuu?"

Nabooru kneels and slaps his face, then backhands him.

"Oooowww…"

Midna gasps, "You're not dead Nabooru! It's a miracle!" The twili proceeds to whip out her phone and takes a picture of the dazed drug lord. "This is going on social media! Hashtag-Dark-Does-It-Again!"

Nabooru gets up with a sigh, "I'll call the police…."


End file.
